On a very rare occasion, I get to spend time alone. With two teen-age boys and usually anywhere for 2 - 5 of their friends over at our house, it is relatively busy. Add to that, 2 large, aging Old English Sheepdogs, a needy Jack Russell/Rat Terrier mix and 2 cats that may or may not want attention - my energy gets zapped fast. Especially if I have been at work all day long. My wife tries to leave me alone, but sometimes, she wants attention or just for me to do some things around the house.
I often feel tired. I often stay up too late because I just enjoy the quiet when everyone is sleeping or getting to watch whatever I want on TV or play stupid games on my tablet. The stillness is nice. It has been so long since I lived without another person/pet to be responsible for, that I often will "day dream" about what life would be like if I only had myself to worry about, pay for, etc.
I am certain I would live a much different life. I wouldn't need a 4 bedroom home in the suburbs, where the schools are good and the kids can play outside in the yard. I wouldn't be saving for college and saving for 2 beginner cars and figuring out how to pay for insurance for 2 teenage boys. My cell phone bill would be so much smaller. All my bills would be so much smaller. If I went out to eat, I wouldn't have to pay for 4 people (and their friends).
I could probably take those long weekend theater trips to NYC or London to see the plays and musicals that I love and not listen to the cast recordings and pretend that one day I may see some version of it somewhere locally, I would have disposable income. What a thought! I could drop whatever I was doing, whenever I wanted. I could pick what I wanted for every meal without mediation. I could make decisions without consensus!
I am sure that "the grass is always greener on the other side" and all of that jazz. There are so many things I would've have missed out on if I weren't married with children. I wouldn't want to change the past, but having this conversation recently with several single and married people joining in, I realize that I have not given myself much of an identity beyond wife and mom. And that it is okay that there are things that I want to do that do not include my spouse and my children. I just have to get past the guilt of not putting them first.
In 5 years and a couple of months, my youngest will be leaving for college (fingers crossed). I fear I will be suffering from empty next syndrome in a bad way, so I am thinking that maybe, if I work on some things now, things that I want for me, I will have stuff to fall back onto and not just be left a mom all alone, missing her kids. I hope so anyway.
But what do I want to do? What am I interested in? Who am I besides a nonprofit manager, a mom and a wife? What kind of life to I want to create for myself? I have been married for 10 years, I have been a mom for 19 years, I have worked at the same office for 14 years and things are all just a little bit "same ole, same ole". I have a lot of research to do.
