Me Time

On a very rare occasion, I get to spend time alone.  With two teen-age boys and usually anywhere for 2 - 5 of their friends over at our house, it is relatively busy.  Add to that, 2 large, aging Old English Sheepdogs, a needy Jack Russell/Rat Terrier mix and 2 cats that may or may not want attention - my energy gets zapped fast.  Especially if I have been at work all day long.  My wife tries to leave me alone, but sometimes, she wants attention or just for me to do some things around the house.

I often feel tired.  I often stay up too late because I just enjoy the quiet when everyone is sleeping or getting to watch whatever I want on TV or play stupid games on my tablet.  The stillness is nice.  It has been so long since I lived without another person/pet to be responsible for, that I often will "day dream" about what life would be like if I only had myself to worry about, pay for, etc.

I am certain I would live a much different life. I wouldn't need a 4 bedroom home in the suburbs, where the schools are good and the kids can play outside in the yard.  I wouldn't be saving for college and saving for 2 beginner cars and figuring out how to pay for insurance for 2 teenage boys.  My cell phone bill would be so much smaller.  All my bills would be so much smaller.  If I went out to eat, I wouldn't have to pay for 4 people (and their friends).

I could probably take those long weekend theater trips to NYC or London to see the plays and musicals that I love and not listen to the cast recordings and pretend that one day I may see some version of it somewhere locally,  I would have disposable income.  What a thought!  I could drop whatever I was doing, whenever I wanted.  I could pick what I wanted for every meal without mediation.  I could make decisions without consensus!

I am sure that "the grass is always greener on the other side" and all of that jazz.  There are so many things I would've have missed out on if I weren't married with children.  I wouldn't want to change the past, but having this conversation recently with several single and married people joining in, I realize that I have not given myself much of an identity beyond wife and mom.  And that it is okay that there are things that I want to do that do not include my spouse and my children.  I just have to get past the guilt of not putting them first.

In 5 years and a couple of months, my youngest will be leaving for college (fingers crossed).  I fear I will be suffering from empty next syndrome in a bad way, so I am thinking that maybe, if I work on some things now, things that I want for me, I will have stuff to fall back onto and not just be left a mom all alone, missing her kids.  I hope so anyway.

But what do I want to do? What am I interested in?  Who am I besides a nonprofit manager, a mom and a wife?  What kind of life to I want to create for myself?  I have been married for 10 years, I have been a mom for 19 years, I have worked at the same office for 14 years and things are all just a little bit "same ole, same ole".  I have a lot of research to do.